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"What Not To Wear" (BBC2 Weds, 8pm)  Any excuse to have Jeremy Clarkson on telly and I'm a happy bunny.  Jeremy Clarkson looking foolish for whatever reason and I'm beyond happy and approaching ecstatic.  But are these "stylists" ever bitchy?!?  It's a shame they're both so skinny, I don't think they've got the first clue about clothes not fitting. Wouldn't you love them to suddenly be a size 18 for the day, or is that just me?  Ten, maybe fifteen minutes of this programme would have been bearable, but the bile begins to stick in your throat after an hour. Painful.

"Changing Rooms" (BBC1 Thu, 8.30)  100 episodes?  Is that all?  It feel more like 1000!  About time the designers got a taste of their own medicine though. And it just goes to show they don't listen to their victims, or take into account any hint of their personalities when designing the rooms. Both of them did a room that would be perfectly suited to THEM, but not to the person whose actually lives there. But it's still the original house makeover show (any pedants out there who want to tell me about Home Front, I know, but Tessa Shaw annoyed me) and so much better than the cheap daytime copies.

"Fat Friends" (ITV, Thu 9pm) another new series, but at least this one's a bit more welcome. I spent most of the 1st series wondering why they hadn't got Lisa Riley in it, being in Yorkshire and all, and now, as if by magic (or the shopkeeper in Mr Benn) she's appeared.  What did scriptwriters do before baby intercoms though?  And what I don't understand... at the end of the last series they hated SuperSlimmers, and they hated Carol. So why are they all back with her?  Apart from the fact that the programme wouldn't work if they all realised they've got the diet sheets, so they could save the 3.50 a week by not going, and just following the diet at home.  This is obviously why I write ABOUT television and not FOR television.  Also, a quick word of advice for the set designers.  Leeds United sold Rio Ferdinand over the summer.  No self respecting Leeds schoolboy is still going to have Rio poster on his bedroom wall.

"My Family" (BBC1, Fri, 8.30)  Thank goodness Zoe Wannamaker has finally done something with her hair.  This has slowly grown on me over the last two series, a bit like a verucca, but slightly more socially acceptable.

"Celeb" (BBC1, Fro 9pm) looked so promising, it's a shame really.  Harry Enfield ssems to have decided to play the evil spawn of Mick Jagger, Rd Stewart and the Gallagher brothers (what an awful mental picture), and Amanda Holden is, as ever, playing a pouting plank of wood.  So a pretty impressive Victoria Beckham.  I didn't think things could get worse than that Adam Faith thing this replaced, but I obviously underestimated.

Honestly!  The sacrifices I make for the good of this column.  Against all my principles (I do have some you know), I sat and watched "PopStars - The Rivals" (ITV Sat, 7.15)  And, I wasn't in the least bit surprised.  I guess they had to have a woman on the judging panel just to stop it becoming PornStars.  Actually, that sounds like a marketable concept.  OK, well, I wrote it here first. Any tv execs browsing through, I want a percentage when it gets made.  And no, there will not be regular PopStars updates in this column.  I'm not watching it again.  I still have some dignity.


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