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"Liar" (BBC2, Mon, 9.30).  It's a bit like watching a car crash this. Sickening, painful, and you know you shouldn't, but you just can't drag yourself away.  Strange programme, I think it's the evil twin of that awful Dale Winton early evening thing with the couples.  Same concept, different set.  Paul Kaye was actually LESS annoying as Dennis Pennis, which is really saying something, but at least when he was irritating celebrities he wasn't making third rate willy jokes.

Talking of celebrities, I bet none of the contestants on "I'm (not) a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here" (ITV, all week) were ever accosted by Dennis Pennis.  I've carried on watching this all week, in the vain hope it will improve, but no, it's dull, dull, dull.  They could have done with hiring the editing team from Big Brother.  At least they knew how to twist the coverage to demonise one of the certain members.  The Anti-Rhona edits are so obvious as to be painful, I'm almost starting to feel sorry for her. And now Uri has been released back into the wild, what chance do we stand? 
Please everyone, don't vote.  If not for yourselves, then do it for the good of the community.  We don't need Darren Day back in civilisation.

"The Chair" (BBC1, Sat, 6.50)  I could do this.  I could SO do this!  If only I could stand McEnroe's accent for more than 20 seconds without wanting to do him serious physical damage.  Maybe that's the real test?  The questions are incredibly easy until you get to serious money, and the contestants appear to be pretty much brain dead.  And I could do with the 50 grand.  Let me play, pleeeeease?

"Britain's Sexiest..." (ITV, all week, 10pm)  Purely for review purposes you understand. I watched this for you, so you didn't have to.  I've got no interest at all in gratuituous chest shots of semi-naked firemen.  Honestly. Believe me!  Just out of interest though, aren't Kerry Kitten's boobs getting bigger every time she's on tv?  She's going to fall over soon - you can only fight gravity for so long.  And what does she know about sexy men anyway?  She's married to the fat one from Westlife!

My knowledge of Wuthering Heights begins and ends with Kate Bush wailiing for 4 minutes about a window.  So I'm probably not the most qualified person to comment on Sparkhorse (BBC1, Sun 9pm)  Despite the lovely bits of Yorkshire (though I'm not convinced all the shots of Hebden Bridge are actually in Hebden Bridge), it's a bit over-pretty.  Most Yorkshire folks I've met don't look that good.  Keep reading to the end of this week's column, and you'll understand what I mean.  Back on subject though.  Mobile phones, Land Rovers and piles jokes, I'm pretty sure Emily Bronte didn't use any of those in her books, no matter how modern an interpretation this is. 
And even though I've never read the book, I could see that incest storyline coming a mile off.  Credit us with some intelligence next time, eh?

"Dave Gorman's Important Astrology Experiment" (BBC2, Sun 10.40)  Oh, this is beautiful.  There should be much more Dave Gorman on TV. But only Dave Gorman, not any of the other Dave Gormans.  I never realisecd following your horoscope could be so entertaining.  And as my horoscope says I should be nice to everyone this week, I'm not even going to moan about that annoying Alvin Hall bloke, or Dr Hilary Whatsisface being on the expert panel.

"The Tartiest Men in Britain" (ITV, Mon, 10.30)  I think I've met one of them.  No, not "met", just, well, met.  You know, the variety of met that doesn't involve loss of clothing, dignity or reputation.  Now, if these three guys are so proud of their prodigious pulling skills as to want to boast about it on national telly, are they also so stupid as to believe that the same boasting will get them more success, and more women queueing up to drop their knickers?  Not likely.  A whole new year of students will be arriving in Leeds in the next few weeks, I hope you were watching carefully girls!  And, just for the record, there are plenty of better places to go in Leeds for a night out.


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