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"Big Break" (BBC1 Wed, 7.30) I'm not going to lie to you.  I can't pretend to be anything other than delighted to find a new series of Big Break on the telly but ... Wednesday?  Another couple of series and it'll be on at lunchtime, and that would be so wrong! There's only one time for this, and that's Saturday evening, before the big gameshow of the night, just to get you in the mood. Mid-week is just not right. And Dominic Dale, what do you think you were wearing?

For those who were wondering why I didn't review "Celebrity Fit Club" (ITV Fri, 8pm) last week - I was out having a life, and my video's broken. However, week 2, and I'm in front of the tv with a packet of biscuits. There are some pictures the world should never have to endure - John Major & Edwina Currie's sexual antics, Ainsley Harriott's grin, and now, worse than all of those - Rik Waller in shorts. I'm feeling ill. Ick!

As if Popstars wasn't enough, the Beeb have leapt upon the bandwagon with all the imagination of a five year old copying his big brother's every word with "Fame Academy" (BBC1 Fri, 8.30)  Even the delectable Patrick Kielty and Cat Deeley (something for everyone there) can't make me want to watch even more hopeless wannabes pimping their negligible talents for their 30 seconds of notoriety. Look at Hear'Say.  It doesn't work kids, get over it! And yourselves.

There's a few things in life you can rely on. Rainy bank holidays, trains running late, and a new series of Heartbeat (ITV Sun, 8pm)  As this is series 12, I've got to ask - how is it still the mid 60's?  There are times when you want to be educated or challenged by tv, Sunday night isn't one of them. Heartbeat is candyfloss, I know, but candyfloss is what I need before going back to work on Monday morning.

"What Jade did Next" (Ch4 Thu, 9pm)  Sadly "Get an Education", or "Shut Up" weren't among her experiences. Let's face it, Big Brother is essential for 9 weeks, but after that somehow the "stars" turn into human laxatives. (and if you need to know what that means, email me)

"Britain's Favourite Hoaxer" (Ch4 Mon 9pm)  Karl Powers - Monobrow Man. He's a prat, but a vaguely entertaining prat.  Despite sitting through an hour of this, I'm still no clearer about the motivation for these "stunts", except being self-promoting fools.  And apparently they have a plan for what to do next.  Here's an idea for you lads - GET A JOB!



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